Player Profiles:

Disclaimer: For anyone doing CRB checks or checking out prospective employees/artists/father-in-laws etc., the following content is meant to be humorous and not in any way true (I really can't believe I have make this explicit. Jesus!).

Bex Barrow was commissioned to draw cartoons of each Gent on the 2010 tour. To see them, click here.

Richard Pearson (Captain)

The most successful stand-up comedian of the Edwardian era, Richard was better known as Dickie Chuckles, touring the vaudeville circuit thrilling everyone with awful puns and his famous catchphrase "Where’s me chuffin’ whippet?". When those nice people at the Atomic Energy Authority heard about a large amount of unstable and decaying material being offloaded every Thursday in Saxlingham, they launched an immediate investigation. But they left us alone when we promised them that Richard’s jokes were on their final farewell outing before being sealed for good inside a concrete bunker.

Richard's 2010 Profile

Richard’s outrageous behaviour has seen the Gents reputation plumb new depths. A rendition of Una Paloma Blanca dressed only in a peacock feather caused a furore at the W.I. Annual General Meeting; not that the ladies didn’t enjoy it, asking if the "swarthy hunk" could return for the Sandringham W.I. Royal Garden party. Unfortunately Mark Riches wasn’t available for a repeat performance, so Richard stepped into the breach instead. On the field of play, his batting has demonstrated miraculous healing properties; it once made a chronic insomniac fall asleep.

Richard's 2009 Profile

The unquestioned leader of the group, his men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. Rebuilt virtually from scratch, only his head is from the original body; the rest of him is made up from bits of discarded railway carriage, pieces that fell off the International Space Station and materials salvaged from the Morningthorpe recycling plant. Away from cricket Richard offers his considerable expertise on sexual equality policy directives such as "All Females back ’ome by 9.30", "Bring Back t’Scolds Bridle" and the highly progressive "Allow Women the Vote? Not Chuffin’ Likely."

Bob Turner

For a man with the surname Turner, what else could Bob be other than a spinner? However, a recent trawl through the archives reveals that he has been living something of a lie for the past twenty years. In actual fact, his original surname isn’t Turner at all, but Longhop. Bobby thought that a rather inauspicious name for a cricketer and so he changed it, first to Dibbly-Dobbly, which he thought gave him rather a raffish and regal air, and, when that got him relegated to drinks carrier, to Turner. We think that Pedestrian or Deluded might be a more appropriate surname.

Bob's 2010 Profile

Bobby is lucky to make this yearís tour as in true gents fashion he double-booked himself. After a vicious and prolonged legal battle with the other party, we relented and agreed to take him with us. This is probably pure jealousy on our part as he is something of a seasoned performer with the ladies and is well used to having young women fling their underwear at him. However, as a result of these disturbances, Spin-O-Matic has banned him for life from stripping in their launderettes. With his youthful good looks and boyish charm, itís little wonder Bobby keeps being thrown out of pubs for underage drinking.

Bob's 2009 Profile

During the days in the roasting Oxford sunshine, Bobby tells us he is really looking forward to jumping in the cool river in order to feel a little fresher. He is obviously unaware of the fact that all the freshers will have left the previous month, and that he will probably have to make do with his room-mate instead. He has been the best all-round Gent for a generation, topping the batting and bowling averages with his vicious fizzing spinners and renowned round-the-corner paddle-shot. In fact his skills have been known to set games of cricket ablaze; maybe he should use better quality wiring in the clubhouse.

Tony Woodward

With two daughters in the acting profession, one might be forgiven for thinking that Tony would be a good deal more cultured than he is. He recently caused uproar at a performance of Shakespeare’s Henry V. On the appearance of Falstaff, Tony yelled "Oi! Fat bloke, speak proper English ", hurling a cricket ball at the stage (which of course missed and took out the one of the ushers in the wings). He then started screaming "this support act’s bloody rubbish, what time are Santana coming on?" before he was forcibly ejected from the auditorium. Oh, and he bats and bowls a bit, too.

Tony Woodward's 2010 Profile

Much has been written about Tony Woodward; his flamboyant sense of dress, his debonair Man-About-Town conversation, his easygoing nature, his piercing intellect, his natural authority on the field of play and his devastating batting and near unplayable bowling. What a pity then that this Tony Woodward died in 1942 and has never been near Saxlingham, meaning that we’ll just have to make do with the one weíve got. Our Tony's fielding has recently been documented in the press; the Shipping Forecast’s sports section describing it as variable, becoming poor.

Tony's 2009 Profile

As his alter-ego - General Hore-Belisha Woodward Pratt - Tony keeps a fatherly eye on the lower-ranked Gents’ military safety and ensures that no Hun ever gets his filthy hands on his privates. Not that he is averse to occasionally allowing filthy hands on his privates, but, since the disbanding of the Riga and district ladies amateur swan upping and mud wrestling co-operative, these instances have sadly been few and far between. Tony has snored internationally and spends his few spare hours bird-watching with his binoculars; he can spot a nestling pair of great tits from 500 yards.

Howard Royse

As befits a man who has both ’A Drowsy Hero’ and ’A Rowdy Horse’ as anagrams of his name, Howard is something of a Jeckyll & Hyde character. A mild-mannered number-cruncher during the week, at week-ends you’ll find him making pornographic films specially tailored to the accountancy profession. Among his better-known films include ’Three into one will go’, ’Double entry for beginners’, the cult classic ’Watch me make this column disappear’ and ’Phwooar, I’d like to massage those figures’. (Note: for any of Howard’s clients or prospective clients, the above might not be true).

Howard's 2010 Profile

Howard’s initially fluffy and easygoing personality has changed in recent years and he is now the real diva of the squad. His increasing demands to tour venues have included requesting the away dressing room be rebuilt to his specifications, a start time of 11:00am, ermine footstools, piped heavy metal music and an insistence that all surrounding roads be cleared of all foreigners and disinfected at least an hour prior to his using them. These have led to so much trouble that Mr Pearson’s famous diplomatic skills have been called into action, which would at least explain a sudden upsurge in world tension.

Howard's 2009 Profile

The king of numbers and well-known for his instructional letters to the Times, Howard is the real perfectionist of the team and his scorecards are known to be accurate to four significant figures. His transfer to the Gents from SNDC was the most expensive in the club’s history with the fee rising to six figures after negotiation. However, as Howard himself pointed out, five of them were the other side of the decimal point. It’s rare that a team pay you to take one of their players off their hands, but it was enough to buy a round of crunchies, so we accepted.

Dr. Kevin Stickney

Without doubt one of the top three Gents in history with the surname Stickney, Kev is something of an enigma; that is, his rather florid emails require assistance from Bletchley Park to decode. When his eye is in, Kev has been known to clear the boundary rope, although this is nowhere near as effective as when one of his CDs is in, which clears any building within earshot. His main problem, however, has been his fitness and the regular snapping sound from his upper inner thigh, posing the question why wear suspenders on the field in the first place?

Kevin's 2010 Profile

Kev is a man who relies on Gusto to see him through, despite the fact that we told him that bicarbonate of soda is a good deal more effective. He is trying to change his calamitous diet to something less incendiary, such as Cauliflower Chilli Masala or Pickled Egg Phal. As he himself says, "I want to put all my days of flatulence behind me", which will give nightmares to anyone still downwind. Although an expert on porcine endocrine systems rather than porcine visual systems, Kev is willing, after a few drinks, to show his hogís eye to anyone who is interested.

Kevin's 2009 Profile

"Until you have seen this man’s majestic cover drive, you have missed one of the finest sights in the game. No other batsman could make this most difficult of strokes appear so graceful". Unfortunately, John Arlott was talking about Wally Hammond at the time. We have no idea what Arlott would have made of Kev’s batting - probably not much - but we reckon that his cross-batted heave into the children’s play area is currently far superior to Hammond’s, not least because he’s been dead for 50 years. Away from cricket, Kev’s favourite inert gas is Xenon and his favourite word is ’reprehensible’.

Roger Durrant (Retired)

If there is anyone who characterises the phrase "hit the ground running", it’s Roger. On last year’s tour, he tried a swallow dive to stop a ball as it sped to the boundary. Instead, he tripped and gouged a deep furrow in the outfield. Naturally, his mates were sympathetic, pointing out that as a die-hard Norwich City fan, he should have become used to having his nose rubbed in the dirt by now (although obviously not this season - Ed.). All such tragedies have their upsides, though; the local farmers do at least have somewhere to plant next year’s crop of celery.

Roger's 2010 Profile

Behind that flinty look of defiance lies one of the gentsí truly great secret weapons. One of the best partnership breakers in village cricket, Rogerís bowling saved the Gentsí bacon in many matches last year with his lethal donkey drops, perplexing many a batsmen and flattening many a stump. Luckily, Redwings has promised not to press charges so long as he promises not to steal and maim any more of their occupants. Yes, if complete beginners were to spend a day practicing they could bowl almost like Roger or, if they didn't bother practicing at all, exactly like him

Roger's 2009 Profile

Without doubt the most underrated gent and by far the most robust batsmen in the squad, able to hold together the middle innings with resolute defence and a flinty glare. With Gavin Cawley, he forms the most feared partnerships in Norfolk cricket, particularly for those around the boundary with impressionable young children. If Roger has a fault, it is possibly his inability to correctly identify basic Norwegian cheeses like Gjetost, Bergen Blue and Narvik Nasty With Bits Of Desiccated Parrot, but we won’t hold this against him. Much.

Angus Hodge (AWOL)

Could this finally be the season when Angus makes his tour debut? It seems that he is fast running out of excuses not to come. He started out with horse-related excuses such as "sorry boys, not this year, Kauto Star strained a fetlock and will need a week’s extensive horse whispering". Now, the excuses run more along the lines of "sorry boys, I’m having too much great sex to even contemplate it". It’s just as bloody well he’s not coming on tour, we don’t want him attracting a host of scantily-clad nubile blondes and spoiling our...... Err, hang on...

Angus Hodge 2010 Profile

Angus is the newest member of the squad. He fitted right into the gents when it became clear that he was just as immature as the rest of us. His athletic performances in the field on a hot summer’s evening, twisting his wiry body this way and that are top class - at least, that’s what his other half tells us. For a time, Angus’ presence stirred huge interest among the local female population when it became that known he possessed the tackle of a grand national winner, but the furore died down when the owner of Red Rum made it known publicly that he wanted it returned immediately.

David Pointer

David’s travels round Asia on a monocycle and months in a Tibetan monastery have taught him many mystic insights and a strong sensitivity to malevolent spirits; in fact, so much so that he has put his occasional non appearances at the Playing Field on Thursdays down to bad karma and the presence of evil entities lurking around the mown strip. This sounds like Stickney’s doings to us; Kev never was much good as cooking mild curries and any attempts to exorcise some of his legendary farts from the 1995 season’s opener have proved singularly unsuccessful.

David Pointer's 2010 Profile

A fully-fledged International Man of Mystery, David is a man’s man and for this reason he prefers to shower by himself after matches. He has been known to remain dormant for the winter months and then, without any practice whatsoever, saunter to the wicket dressed in silk smoking jacket, plus fours, carpet slippers and pince nez and take a double hat-trick, whilst regaling us with his exploits across the Deccan Plains by monocycle accompanied by the Hempnall and Topcroft Girl Guides. The stuff of legend and an inspiration to us all.

Stewart Bradley

With a bowling action like the Falkirk Wheel and passing almost as much water per day, Stewart has seen and done it all. A tough guy from the mean streets of Glasgow, he worked his way up from the sewers to the gutter, and then rose to the giddy heights of the downstairs overflow pipe. It has been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a cricketer like Stewart Bradley, which explains why we all spent most of last week standing outside in the thundery rain holding long copper rods.

Stewart Bradley's 2010 profile

Despite possessing a body that most of us would kill for (and more of his Burke & Hare activities later), Stewart is not as young as he looks. In 1745, he brought down an army with Bonnie Prince Charlie, getting as far as Derby before getting demoralised by the high standard of beer and football and the lack of men in skirts. His army then headed despondently back up North, but not before theyíd emptied Derby of Buckfast wine and any spare change. When heís not tossing cabers, Stewart can be found drenched in Tennantís Extra and bedecked in tartan, snapping crossbars at local football grounds.

Stewart's 2009 Profile

The most nimble of any Cornwall-based Scot aged over 60 in the side, Stewart puts us all to shame. His throw is so accurate that he has been known to remove an ant’s eyebrows at 50 paces, but only if it stands face-on. Before each match, he insists on downing fourteen pints of Old Shredded Sporran, wearing only his kilt and Rangers wristbands to intimidate the opposition, addressing them with: "Soo long as ya doon’t get on ma tits ya soft soothern nancies, I’ll not rip off ya knackas and keep them as souvenirs for ma mantelpiece". So far, the results have been devastating, particularly in strong winds.

Steve Brownlow

Steve tells us he has given up his tantrums and adopted an altogether more serene approach to life. The Dalai Brownlow, as he is now called, will greet dropped catches and missed run outs with typically obscure Buddhist sayings like "Ahhhh, no matter, water which is too pure has no fish". Naturally, it’s going to take him a little while to completely let go of the old habits but he has confidence that his new found faith will see him through. To disperse the onset of any sudden red mists and clear his mind, Steve will revert to that time-tested Zen koan of imagining the sound of one man shouting.

Steve's 2010 Profile

For a man who spends his days staring at websites, Steve is a remarkably grown up and well-rounded individual. He has shouted professionally since his public school days and actually made the All-England finals, losing in a Shout-Off against the extraordinarily loud Paisley of Belfast. Since the instigation of a Shouty Fine Box at Gents matches, we have raised enough money for a triple-decker executive stand (built to Mr Royseís exacting specifications - natch), a nursery pitch and a private landing strip. When not playing cricket Steve likes to pass the time by shouting at the horses in the Redwings sanctuary next door.

Steve's 2009 Profile

The real motivator of the team and the most competitive gent in the club’s long history, Steve leads the pre-match haka and the mid-match bollockings. He is known to have reduced his own team members to tears after fielding errors; still, we have faithfully promised not to cry with laughter again so long as he promises never to let another match-winning four through his legs on the penultimate ball of a tour match. Away from the pitch, Steve is the perfect gent and hardly growls or swears at all, except after having imbibed some of the many illegal substances picked up on his Caribbean sojourns.

Tim Sheppard

As honest as the day is wide, Tim is the least likely gent to become embroiled in a betting scandal, but he was recently hauled up before the ICC as part of a spot-fixing investigation into the 2010 season. Apparently, some bookmakers had large bets placed on the first, second, fourth, fifth, seventh, ninth and tenth balls of one of Tim’s overs being rank long-hops. Suspiciously, this exact bowling pattern transpired in a match. To say we were gobsmacked it putting it mildly; Tim has never been known to bowl three vaguely full-length deliveries in an over in the entire time we’ve known him.

Tim's 2010 Profile

Although exuding an authoritative air on the field, Tim is without doubt the most relaxed person on tour. In the morning, he can often be found quietly reading the Times to accompany the traditional snap, crackle and pop at breakfast. Yes, Timís crystal meth habit is getting a little out of control these days. He has, however, surprised us all with his excellent wicket keeping during the last few seasons and there are many people who would give their right arm to able to keep like him. In fact, losing an arm might not be a bad way of perfecting Tim'ís technique.

Tim's 2009 Profile

Even more sensible than Mr. Riches, Tim keeps the more youthful and troublesome element (Messrs. Pearson and Woodward) in check with a steely glare and a commanding Lancastrian word. He is a bit of a comedian on the quiet and the queues to be in his car on the riotous journey home after tours often stretch half-way round the squad kit bag. Tim is the man who holds it all together, the man who applies the sticking plasters and fixes all manner of breakages and strains. Yes, say what you like, there is simply no better bat repair man in the business.

Kim Parkinson

Kim was recently voted the most cultured man in the four Yorkshire ridings, putting him in 55,250,990th place nationally. The Saxlingham Gents are proud to have had their own KP for many years, without the skunk hairstyle, exorbitant wages and succession of statuesque blondes (at least that we know of). In true KP fashion, Kim will tell anyone who stands still long enough that it was down to him that we got the ashes. This is, in fact, quite true. Mind you, we told him that playing cricket in a cemetery was a bad idea and using cremation urns as cover fielders was a worse one. Now all we have to do is to hoover the white dust and fragments of charred bone out of our kit bags.

Kim's 2010 Profile

Kim is the real intellectual of the group and unquestionably the one we all look up to on tour, mostly on account of him always being the last to fall over. If you want to know the date of the Declaration of Breda or the identity on the mediaeval bishop responsible for the emancipation of the Plovdiv Four, Kim is the one who can point you in the direction of the nearest library. A seasoned professional who refuses to give in no matter what the odds, he simply doesnít know the meaning of the word 'defeat'. Unfortunately, he doesnít know the meaning of the words 'no', 'wait', 'get back', and 'my round' either.

Kim's 2009 Profile

One of the very top fielders in his postcode, so great is Kim’s aim and so far can he throw a ball that he once struck 3 aeroplanes in one day. Then the Duxford Imperial War Museum imposed a 100 metre exclusion zone on him and his hit rate dropped substantially. Chief among his negative points is a propensity to speak in a decidedly unrealistic Northern accent; he was actually born in Belgravia and christened Piers Benedict Lionheart Aloysius de Parkinson. He has also been known to defect to the opposition while drunk, subsequently scoring a spiteful and match-winning thirty.

Nick Phelan (Retired)

Nick Phelan is a man of few words. Apart from the odd "I say, you chaps!" and "Oh, good shot, sir!" he has only ever been heard to utter the words "yes", "no" and "What a lovely stretch of outfield, I think I’ll urinate on it". With his fearsome bowling, Nick is the ace up the gents’ collective sleeve, the man sent in specifically to remove the opposition captain in order to precipitate a catastrophic collapse in their batting order. ’Remove the head and the rest will follow’, goes the famous saying. This, of course, has been Nick’s bowling philosophy for years.

Nick Phelan's 2010 Profile

A batsman of unlimited potential, Nick cut his teeth on a harrow bat in his teens until his games master informed him he wasnít supposed to chew it. As many of us will attest, Nick's bowling is his real strength and opposition players tremble at the very thought of facing him. He once famously despatched Anne Boleyn, Catherine Howard, Sir Thomas More and King Charles I with successive deliveries in a charity match. He also nearly won the coveted "batsman of the decade" at his previous club. How he must have kicked himself for not buying those two remaining raffle tickets.

Nick's 2009 Profile

The quiet man and philosopher of the group. As with all quiet men, he is a man to be watched and feared. His swing bowling has been described as parabolic (well, it certainly had the suffix ’-bolic’ in there somewhere) and his batting average has recently crept into positive numbers. Nick likes to slip at least one beamer in per over just to keep the batsman awake, and I think this demonstrates perfectly his latent sadistic streak which he otherwise keeps very well hidden beneath a veneer of respectability. When Nick is not on the pitch or the fairway, he likes to read Kierkegaard, Sartre, Kant and Jugs.

Dr. Gavin Cawley

It’s amazing how one man can raise the cultural tone. Gav is making his own lute (really!!) and promises to replace the usual Santana and Zeppelin played in the clubhouse with his own Renaissance and Baroque-inspired compositions. He has also lifted the Gents’ conversation from such topics as ’American Actresses: Babes or Barges’ or ’Who Would You Rather Made You Breakfast in Your Own Shirt: Kelly Brook or Monica Bellucci?’ to ’Bayesian Regulatory Element Detection’ and ’Kernel Methods for Growth Domain Modelling’, which explains why he was recently issued with the only permanent banning order in Gents history.

Gavin Cawley 2010 Profile

Making his first (albeit brief) appearance on tour, Gav is the answer to many of the Gentsí prayers. Actually, thatís not strictly true. We requested a statuesque 6 foot redhead and Gav was the best we could get for the money. Although he has only played for the Gents for a few years, he gets more fan mail than the rest of us put together, much to the dismay of the people at Vent Axia who say they are willing to hand Gav his own (highly questionable) mail back in exchange. Before gracing the Gents, he played for numerous club sides in East Anglia, many of which were quite successful after heíd left them.

Martin Battye (Retired)

"Hi, my name is Martin and I drink Canada Dry", said Mr Battye in his former life as an advertising beefcake. He was soon true to his word, leaving an alcohol shortage in Montreal, Quebec City and Vancouver for months. Prior to this, Martin used to pose as a nude model, until the courts intervened and told him to confine his activities strictly to art classes and to cease terrifying old women in galleries. He has since combined his love of art with his reputation as a hell-raiser. His idea of a good night out is to paint the town vermillion, rose madder, then crimson with just a touch of burnt sienna.

Martin's 2010 Profile

Martinís parole officer has kindly allowed him to spend a couple of days away from breaking rocks to temporarily rejoin both society and his mates on tour. "Big M", as he is known inside has continued his art while behind bars. Recently, his "Triptych of a man being buggered senseless in the shower by 3 inmates" sold for a world record 10 packets of snout. Itís only right that he should be on tour as many of us feel that his presence has left an indelible mark on the Gents. Hopefully the Saxon Club can locate some ultra-strong toilet cleaner to remove it.

Martin's 2009 Profile

Probably the most feared gent of them all, his piercing of 10-inch thick steel plating with a tennis ball is now folklore. Martin is well-known as a painter in the local area, mainly through the enforced community work covering over the obscenities he himself daubed on local wind farms. It is a little-known fact that he once had a trial with Essex, but the prosecution agreed that none of the rest of his county team-mates were in any way responsible for the shocking breaches of public decency which outraged a small corner of England. Now lives a life of self-restraint in Hempnall.

Mark Jenner

One of only three left-handed batsmen in the gents, Mark missed the tour last year in the misguided belief that his sons’ birthdays are more important than touring with the rest of us. Still, he does have his advantages: he holds the second-highest ever Gents score with a superb unbeaten 77 in the famous victory on the 2009 tour. This is even bigger achievement than you might think. It took a great effort to concentrate for all that time. Most of us were put off by the tinkling of the bell inside the ball, not to mention the opposition’s guide dogs continually cocking their legs over the stumps.

Mark Jenner's 2009 Profile

There is an argument that Mark is the best batsman at the club, mind you it’s not an argument that anyone’s ever won. Initially destined for a stellar career in industry, he found he buckled under the pressure of the nine figure sums involved. However, as he reached his thirties he learned that adding more than eight numbers together was, in fact, quite easy and he made the obvious move to the financial sector, taking his abacus with him. His gritty and hard-fought half century at Cranbrook was the most talked-about event of the 2008 season, until we begged him to stop.

Rick Mantin

There are few sights as depressing to a gent as that of Rick ’Douglas Bader’ Mantin hobbling round the playing field with his dodgy knees, not least because he’s still the third fastest gent between the wickets. Rick’s batting was recently described as timeless (although they forgot to add clueless and runless). He has given the gents superb service since their inception in 1988. It would be unthinkable and, frankly, deeply and profoundly unfair not to give Rick’s cricketing achievements the recognition and respect they deserve. Still, there you are, that’s life...

Rick Mantin's 2009 Profile

Strong as an ox, Rick is the rock of the team and has been known to crush balls in his bare hands. Luckily, Pearson’s groin surgery was a success and he is now able to father even more children. Rick’s addiction to cheese is well-known. After much-needed help, he has been weaned off class ’A’ cheeses like Colombian Nose Cheddar and is determined that others don’t become similarly addicted. Between innings he glides effortlessly around the field handing out much-needed water biscuits and chunks of class ’C’ cheeses like Japanese Sage Derby or Dorset Blue Vinny to exhausted and demoralised team mates.

Sean Morgan

Sean has the longest run-up of any bowlers in the gents - it takes almost as long as the famed hundred metres dash recently contested by Messrs Pearson and Mantin. He starts in Kazakhstan, does a little dog’s leg round the Black Sea and releases the ball somewhere about Malmo, getting it to pitch on a length in Southwold. Sean has been ordered not to bring any further contributions to our Sunday game teas as his traditional Kazakh curdled Leper marinated in stale yak’s piss didn’t go down at all well, except with Rick who had it with some Jacob’s Cream Crackers.

Sean Morgan's 2009 Profile

Sean’s novelty act of farting the Indian national anthem on stage recently got him two years in a Mumbai jail (yeah, he told us he was working, too!). As punishment he umpired the Taleban XI v Infidels XI match and controversially accused the Taleban opening batsman O.B. Laden of showing a very un-Christian attitude towards his umpiring decisions, with tragic results. Smuggled out of the city, Sean made his way home via Grozny, Kabul, Baghdad, and the Gaza Strip. Yes, trouble seems to follow him everywhere, so you might want to add body armour to your kit bag for the trip to riot-torn Oxford.

Mark Riches

If there’s one gent who embodies the word success, it is Mark Riches. He’s also the embodiment of the words ’tanned’ and ’well-paid’ too. Looking every inch the international executive (although it has to be said we’ve only ever seen him with his clothes on) Mark recently retired from his position as CEO of World Duty Free because he simply couldn’t fit any more fags or whisky into his sideboard. Instead, he is moving onto pastures new at Autogrill, so if any of you are finding that your bacon isn’t crisping up as you’d like at home, why not give him a call.

Mark Riches' 2009 Profile

The only one with a proper job and car, Mark mostly keeps himself to himself in case he becomes infected with the streak of fatuity that permeates the gents. With his relaxed and professional persona - he often sits with his legs crossed, with a Begonia on his navel, frankly and openly meditating - he is the perfect antidote to the general childishness perpetrated on tour. Excelling with his superior negotiating skills, it was Mr Riches’ calm arbitration that secured the safe return of Richard Pearson’s Mr Spotty puppet from the evil blackmailing Webb. A much-needed soothing influence.

Sam Daisley

With his powerful physique honed during his school years in the Pi-Eta fraternity at Framlingham College, Sam was a welcome last minute addition to our tour in Hampshire in 2010. With his brutal agricultural batting, he is likely to be forever associated with the bloody carnage inflicted upon wildlife in an adjacent field at Steep (10 rabbits, 2 small horses and 3 pigs, plus a water vole still on a life support machine). Many of his team-mates were surprisingly phlegmatic about it, as porkers, donkeys and bunnies being cleaned up with a cricket ball is second nature to the Gents.

Dr. Pat Barrow (Retired)

Having had two operations since 2010, Pat is ready to return to full bowling action in the 2011 season. His team-mates can’t wait to see him back to former glories, hurtling a cricket ball down the wicket at speeds in excess of 15mph. A quite brilliant bowler, Pat is also able to cunningly conceal a masterful in-swinging Yorker as a half-volley way outside leg stump. Several batsmen have fallen for it (the poor deluded fools), hoiking him for boundary after boundary, not realising they are being drawn inexorably into a long psychological game which they cannot possibly win. Probably.

Pat Barrow's 2010 Profile

Pat’s fluctuating girth and crumbling knees have become something of an issue. He was recently left looking foolish when his batting partner, the Great Alaskan Malaspina Glacier, outpaced him on a risky single and saw him run out by 15 yards. He informs us that this year is the thirtieth anniversary of his very first batting lesson. The Gents saw how much this milestone meant to him, so they have agreed that they will stump up enough cash to send him back for a second one. Yes, as a batsman, Pat really is a one in a million. How unlucky is that?

Pat's 2009 Profile

If there was anything more solid in the outfield than Pat, it would have to be scooped up and put in a special bin. It isn’t really known where his nickname (The Cat) comes from. Although it is tempting that his agility and speed in the outfield would be the most likely explanation, it is more likely to be down to his propensity to leave dismembered mice in his wife’s bed or his ability to lick his own nethers, which he finds less bothersome than a post-match shower. An increasingly portly figure around the playing field, Pat is rumoured to be able to eat his own height in meat pies.

Eric Spencer

Andy Robertson

Dan Bambridge

Dave Pike

Rob Loudoun

Players

The Gents

Dan Bambridge

Pat Barrow

Martin Battye

Stewart Bradley

Steve Brownlow

Gavin Cawley

Sam Daisley

Roger Durrant

Angus Hodge

Mark Jenner

Rob Loudoun

Rick Mantin

Sean Morgan

Kim Parkinson

Richard Pearson

Nick Phelan

Dave Pike

David Pointer

Mark Riches

Andy Robertson

Howard Royse

Tim Sheppard

Eric Spencer

Kev Stickney

Bob Turner

Tony Woodward

News & fixtures

GENTS NEWS

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